Very Fucking English Lesson

Observations from my Japan stint in 2002:

In Japan, English is a much-cherished language. Not because it is spoken well, or even much understood, but because it looks and sounds good (This may actually be a wonderful metaphor for the interplay between the Eastern and Western cultures — the lack of deeper meaning of imported Western culture – but who am I to say…). In fact, English is actually considered “sexy,” and is therefore used to advertise anything pertaining to sex (and everything else, for that matter). Struck me as a little strange in a place where English is not the first language. (I believe that if the Japanese ever found out about an actual sexy language like Italian or French, complete amorous chaos would ensue. Within a week it would be changed to the official language and people would walk the streets wearing berets, French-kissing complete strangers.)

The following is a by-no-means-comprehensive list of interesting T-shirt sayings that I’ve seen firsthand in Japan, which demonstrate the level of comprehension of the English language:

- Mild Sweet Lover
- Stay Honest Heart
- Afromantic

- Make A Check On Him The Data
- Send me someone to do Vibration
- Energy Spirit and Talkative
- Lace Ninja
- Here are Fools Motivated
- Long Awaited. Have Long Day.
- I Love Army
- Resound Voiceover Renowned Poppycock
- Big Very Field
- Stop Supply Fancy Favor
- Stop Mind Bless Earth

…Yes, if we all “stopped mind,” and “blessed earth” the world would be a much better place… My personal favorites were seeing an old man falling asleep in the Tokyo subway, wearing a shirt that said “Boogie Down,” and a 12-year old Japanese kid wearing a T-shirt proclaiming he was, despite appearances, a “Proud Nubian Brother” (Honest; I didn’t make that one up). Oh, and then there was the weathered, 65-year-old Japanese man on the train wearing a shirt advertising himself as (wait for it…) “DOPE SHIT.”

A final example of infelicity in English usage: A billboard for a construction company called “OOPS.”

-Red Light Tokyo-

Shinjuku. Tokyo’s red-light district. The Chinese took us on a field trip to see what was a very wild part of Tokyo. We walked past street after street of strip clubs, bathhouses, massage parlors, and shops selling pornographic DVDs, video games, books, and comics. Most of the signs were in English — very bad English, actually. As we were finishing up our walking tour, on the way back to the car a sign caught my eye. The sign was awkwardly advertising “Arms” and “Shirts” (along with other unmentionables) as an attempt to attract people to their strip club. Later still, I passed a sign, my favorite sign that I saw, which was haphazardly advertising that there was lots of “fanny” to be found inside their place of business (Okay — so I officially take back what I wrote earlier about English not being a sexy language). Makes you wonder how old some of the Japanese-to-English dictionaries are over here.

-To Sapporo-

“Japanese-style” tourism, as it has been called by many foreign authors — driving frantically from one sight to the next, snapping as many pictures as possible — was exciting at first, but after a week, was getting a little tiring. I decided to leave “the tour” and headed up to Sapporo to see some new sights – and at a slower pace. While Skye decided he would stay in Tokyo, I would meet up with my Japanese tutor, Tomoe, who I had met while she was studying English at St. Mary’s.

-Best Bread Message-

When I arrived in Sapporo by train, I was tired, cranky, and very hungry. Realizing this, I attempted to soothe the savage beast with food, and went out hunting for a little bread and peanut butter (works wonders, by the way). The following is what was printed on a plastic bag I got from buying bread at a small bakery/shop in Sapporo. It doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense, but makes for a good laugh. I copied it down verbatim, punctuation and all:

***
“Scandinavian Natural Roman”
Best Bread Message

Our little friend “TOMTE” use magical secret-power for delicious BREAD that.
Well enjoy in next morning. Children who living in NORTHERN EUROPE tell us
secret that just baken BREAD. Yes… TOMTE`s secret. HOKUO as. BREAD country
SAPPORO is very similar with TOMTE`s land.

***

##UPDATE## I found a photo of it:

I found the following enthusiastic bread advertisement a few days later:

***
“BOULANGER” Natural Yeast provides a naturally enjoyable rich taste. We
support your wonderful life with delicious bread.
***

Conclusion? Well, I’m not too sure this deserves a conclusion. Fine tasting bread though.

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