The Botched Threesome
by projecthitchhiker on September 28, 2007
in Japan, Stories
(Edit: It’s possible that somewhere down the line, my mom will figure out that I have a blog, and read some posts. So, if you’re my mom, and you’re reading this, please stop reading now and click here to read about bunny rabbits.)
We’ve all had one of those nights. That threesome that almost happened, but not quite. Maybe you were out with your girlfriend and her best friend. Or you were out on a date and ran into an ex who seemed to get along a little too well with your new girl. But there’s always something that goes terribly wrong.
Japan, 2005
For me it was a complete fluke. I was at a bar in Fukuoka called the Happy Cock. Despite the suggestive name, it was not a soap land or a kiss bar. Just a happening club with a dance floor. The place was lit up with those rare gems — sexually confident Japanese girls — and of course a fair share of foreign girls with too many drinks under their belts.
I open conversation with a girl near the bar – a situational “opener” about her Weezer t-shirt. I mention I have seen Weezer in concert, in Fukuoka in fact, and suddenly we have something in common. She is reasonably drunk and appears attracted to me (she grabs my arm and won’t let go), and uses our coincidental shared experience as an excuse to dance with me and later make out. I meet her friend, a cute Asian-American girl. I think I notice, even through my veil of six gin and tonics, that she is possibly attracted to me too.
One hour later, and I notice that I can’t find my friends that I came with in the club. I figure my friend Chris has ended up outside the club with the Japanese girl he came with. Weezer girl has now bought me four gin and tonics, on top of the six that I had downed before I met her. I am now officially one of those trashed guys making out on the dance floor, tongued down by Weezer girl.
“Hey, we’re going now.” It’s three a.m. I’m completely smashed, and looking back, I’m only guessing that this conversation actually happened.
“Aw, you poor puppy dog, you’re friends took off… That’s okay, you can stay with us in our hotel room.”
The cab ride, the snarl of the lady in the hotel lobby, and the double bed with the two girls on top of me are almost a complete write off of neurological synapses. I wake up the next morning, between the two girls. I am totally naked and the two off them are wearing only panties.
What happened last night? I rack my brain. I can’t remember anything after leaving the bar.
I must have looked a little shocked.
“Don’t worry, we didn’t really do anything. You were too drunk.” Weezer girl tells me, laughing.
Ouch.
I have a theory that says the two American girls planned the entire escapade, including my drunken inability to perform, as an elaborate game to encourage men to drink more moderately in clubs. I wish I could remember their names so I could ask them if this is true.
That, my friend, is first class. I might note (and this is only a suggestion, bear in mind) that one generally avoids telling these stories in print in order to prevent them from excessively influencing any further such opportunities–at least in contexts equipped with one’s name and photograph. Smashing photo, though. Might in itself just get you through. Helluva tale, in any case.
And a great looking blog, by the way. I’ll keep an eye on it. Let me know if you’re ever in the T-dot–although it sounds like you have little enough reason to come back to Canuckistan anytime soon.
Ah, twas a tragic tale. My condolences. If it makes you feel any better (as they say, misery loves company..) I faced a similar situation once.. and it was heart breaking.
this is why I never drink mixed drinks in bars here… stick with beer and not only will you still get your buzz on, but you can sit back and watch the goodness unfold as the OTHER dudes in the place strike out due to their intoxication and slide in to take their places… At least this is my technique… Beer makes me piss twice as much as mixed drinks so I never seem to get drunk– I also interleave rounds of water after 2 beers in the summertime to avoid dehydration and the eventual hangover that may follow.